Saturday, March 24, 2012

Hoping blogging again will be my therapy...

It has been so long since I have even looked at my blog.. amazing how much things can change in such a short amount of time..However one thing that hasn't.. it is still difficult.  Long story short, I am now engaged to the most wonderful man.  I cannot wait to be his wife.. he makes me laugh every day and has filled my life with more joy than I ever thought possible.  However- being a widow is still difficult.  No matter how much happiness you have in your life- it does not erase the sadness from the past.  It is still there lingering to jump out and bite you from time to time.  I think the hardest part for me is my boys.  I don't know what it is like for them being so young and losing their dad.. It hurts to watch them hurt..  It sounds awful, but .. I mean I will have a new husband... they will never have a new father.. but I am so thankful for Chad he is wonderful with them and I couldn't ask for a better example of how to be a good man... and for that I am forever grateful... I took Chandler to the cemetery a few weeks ago for the first time in over a year- it was so hard to look at him standing there.. I think he has grown a foot since Glenn died, he is almost a man.  He has questions and wants to know what his dad would say... nobody should have to go and talk to a cold stone when they need to talk to their father.  Even thinking about losing my own father makes me sick to my stomach.  I just hope I call fill the voids as much as possible for them.  I am sure with Chads help, we can as much as would ever be possible.  Spencer is is lost right now.. I try so hard to do all I can to guide him, but he is so much like his dad and will have to find his own way I am afraid.. so hard headed!!! Damn Nicholas genes.. :)  but I will always be there for them, no matter what or how difficult it is.  Parker is adjusting well, he is very attached to Chad and gets very jealous easily.. his dad was always sick and he enjoys spending time doing things with Chad that Glenn couldn't do. It may be hard for anyone to understand- but I know without a doubt Glenn is thankful Parker and all of the rest of us have Chad to take care of us... Parker is very affectionate and happy.  Since Glenns death I have changed my opinion on so many things,  I almost feel like I have this higher understanding of life that many don't have.  I have found a happiness and an acceptance from the Lord I never felt before.  Sorry to be the one to bring the news to those of you that don't get it.. but life is not black and white, right and wrong all the time.  We are all different because of our experiences.. . just hope and pray you don't have to go through something tragic to figure it out- but it may be the only way.  If that is true then I am thankful for every tear.. it has made me who I am.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Rebirth

     Seems like forever since I have posted, almost three months...wow!!  A lot can change in three months.  As I approach the anniversary of Glenn's passing I am really amazed at what going through this has taught me about myself.  So much I didn't know.  Like:
 
*I like watching sports even when Glenn isn't there
*It is ok to cry, it does not make you weak, it means your strong enough to be vornuable
*People need to see you have an emotional side
*Sharing my pain can help others in their healing process
*I like being married and sharing my life with someone
*Family is family and friends are family- you pick your family
*Nobody reacts the way you think they will to anything most of the time
*Its ok if your house is messy sometimes
*EVERYTHING happens for a reason EVERYTHING
*It's ok to let go
*What gives comfort to one will not always comfort another
*Laughing is the #1 most important thing to do every day
*Tell people how you feel, don't wait.  The good and the bad.
*Some things are not worth getting angry over, but some are...
*You can think you know who you are and just one event can make you realize that you don't.
*Trying new things is fun and freeing.
*I am not as strong as I thought I was, but I am strong.
* You don't always have to be ok
*ALWAYS be there for the ones you love, even when it is hard.



   There are a few things I know for sure, Glenn is happier now than he ever was in life.  He had a tormented soul much of the time for whatever reason and now he does not...  When I think of him he is always smiling and laughing, he is finally free of the things that haunted him.
      He wants me and the boys to do the same.  He wants us to be happy and move forward, which we are slowly doing.  I think because I realized that Glenn was dying a long time before the boys did I did much of my grieving WiTH Glenn, and it has helped me a lot, they still have a ways to go.  He was their father, its a bit different for them.  I still cry, I still hurt.
      I still cannot get the images out of my head from the last couple of months, but I am trying. Finding him on the floor, giving him shots, all the doctors visits and the painful tests over and over again, helping him do the most basic things that we all take for granted, seeing him change from a strong man to a shadow of who he was,  being afraid to leave him when he ate for fear he would choke, feeding him like a child and seeing in his eyes how much he hated me to see him like that, listening to him breathe at night for hours.  The very moment I realized he wasn't going to wake up ever again, looking at him just after he passed and knowing he was gone, really gone.  
      I am trying to replace them with different pictures.  Like the day the boys were born, or watching him coach, long talks with the boys, seeing him belly laugh with Ian like he ALWAYS did, watching him riding that stupid Harley with the perma grin on his face, or watching him with babies, he LOVED little babies!  Or the way he always came to the rescue for friends, family and even strangers...  
     Glenn struggled with many things in his life, but he had many amazing qualities and those are the ones I will choose to remember, those are the ones I hope my boys will take as their own and create their own legacy.
     Thank you Glenn for sharing my life for 20 years- Rest in peace and know that your boys will make you proud.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Wow it's been a long time...

I know it has been forever since I posted, sometimes it is easier to pretend nothing is wrong.. but things are beginning to get back to normal, whatever that is.  Tomorrow would have been our 21st wedding anniversary.  It's a bitter sweet memory still, I hope someday the thought of it won't make me cry.  The life I shared with Glenn seems so long ago..like another lifetime now.  I guess because I have been forced to move forward with my life as much as I am able, for me for the boys...it is easier for me to think of those 20 years as in a box, all wrapped up and my life as a new box I am filling with different things.  I open the box when I need or want to and look at it, think about it and analyize it, then put it up on the shelf away to think about another day..that is the only way I can deal.  I talk about him, and think about him but not for too long, when I feel the emotions in my throat I have to stop, most of the time anyway.  I don't go to the grave much any more, I don't feel him there anymore.  I have to write about an experience I had to help anyone who is going through what I am to understand a little better what changed me, what made my life one I could cope with...

     It was around Thanksgiving and I was having a really bad night, I felt so alone, frustrated, hopeless.  I have never cried as hard or as long as I did that night.  The pain was almost unbearable.  I spent some time talking with Jena about it and we laughed and cried together for a long time, then I finally went to sleep.  when I woke up it was like a cloud had been lifted from my life, I cannot really explain it.  All at once all of these thoughts came into my head all at once...I know without a doubt that Glenn was communicating with me.  He told me that I was keeping him from his work, my grief was holding him here, he couldn't move forward.  He also told me that he hated me being here alone, he wants me to remarry (now anyone that knew Glenn, knows that was not what he would have wanted in life, but he has changed) he does not want me and the boys with out a man in the house, what man?? I have no idea:).. anyhow, I know he loves us and misses us but he has now moved on, I very rarely feel him..Its crazy I didn't know I was feeling his spirit until it was gone, but it is a happy feeling that he has moved on.  He is happy and healthy and progressing as he should be.  everything that happened was as it should be...this was the plan for his life, and for ours.  Hard to believe some days, but it is I am certain of it.
     Do I still have difficult time, yes all of the time...but I no longer wonder about decisions Glenn and I made at the end, if they were wrong or right...they did not affect the outcome, what happened, was as it would have been no matter what we did.  I think of him laughing and joking and being "Glenn" now, not so much of him lying in that horrible bed, suffering day after day ..I still think of the way he looked after he was gone, how he felt, the last hour of his life..the smells the sounds....those memories are taking longer to fade- but I hope with time they will.  That is not how he should be remembered.
     Now I see him in my boys every day, in the way they move the way they look, the way they shoot a basketball.  Its crazy.  He would be so touched by the wonderful things that people tell us, the memories shared , and the fact that so many loved and cared for him, he would be so touched by all of it.  The fact that Samantha and Andrew named their son after him would have made him cry...the fact that Mallory likes to be called Sallory and it always makes her smile...all the boys that he coached approach us and tell us how much they miss and loved him.. I hope he is seeing all of this.   He loved the people in his life without holding back and was always there to tease them, love them and kick their butt.  We all miss you Glenny... RIP

Monday, November 8, 2010

Clueless

This weather is killing me...the rain the cold yuck!  I hate it- I could so move to a hot climate and stay, if everyone I love wasn't here...it also brings back memories of this time of year last year, I try not to let it but it does anyway.  I cannot believe Glenn has been gone over 5 months, where does the time go?  The first 3 months or so I really don't remember much at all, still in shock I guess.
      How have I made it this long alone?  I'll never know. Glenn and I spent so much time talking about what would be done when he was gone that I don't think I really had time to think much about being alone.  I mean, I am very independent- I know this because it caused many fights in our marriage :). I remember wishing I had met Glenn later in life because I did not want to get married young, I just didn't, but when you know you know.    I never thought I would be bothered by being alone, cause hey I am not alone right?  I have my boys, my work my friends... well it isn't the same .  It's not so much the being alone as it is the not having that person you talk to about everything, the one you call when you hear something funny or shocking, the one that you check on when you hear of something bad happening...the one you want to see the new movie with or get a "very" honest opinion from.  I miss having that person and also miss being that person for someone else.  I think that is what being alone is, not so much the physical part, but the emotional.  WOW so many things since Glenn got sick have been so unexpected and random.  You think you know just how you will feel, or how you will handle things but you haven't a clue...I guess that's me right now, clueless...at best.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Halloween

Met my niece and took some pix of her family this weekend- it was nice to go and do something that relaxes me and spend some time with them in the process.  what a cute family- it was hard not to think about how things were when Glenn and I were just starting our family, so young, so in love, so much to look forward to....  goes by in an instant it seems.  Crazy!  Halloween was ok, just kind of a dreary day emotionally- Glenn was such a prankster around Halloween stuff, the feeling just was not there this year, hopefully someday we will get that ability to have fun and remember without being sad.  The older boys went to parties and I took Parker out.  My brother Danny has an autistic son that does not do well with Halloween, and does not enjoy it.  So he stayed home with Mom and brought his other cute babies over and we jumped in Grandpas golf cart and away we went.  My brother is nuts- so that made it fun, I never know what he is going to say.  It's funny some people looked at him like hey who are you???  When Glenn and I worked together, people would always tell him they saw me with "some guy" that had a shaved head and a goatee and I was laughing a lot, he always knew it was my brother Danny, nobody gets me laughing like him.  The shirt he wore for Halloween said "I'm the quiet neighbor with the big freezer" what a crack up!  Thank goodness for people like him in my life to keep me going...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Thriller

I took the boys to do some fun Halloween stuff this weekend, it was pretty fun.  I surprised them and took them to Thriller at Kingsbury Hall and that was lots of fun they really liked it. I love this picture of Chandler he is next to this scary zombie and look at the grin on his face!! I love it! Then we went to Frightmares on Saturday night and had a lot of fun until it started to get cold, then we were out of there!  It was nice to spend time together, but there is always an empty spot, the spot where Glenn needs to be.  Making stupid silly jokes and making us all giggle.  Making fun of the stupid things people do and say with his dry sense of humor.  I think the part I miss the most is that moment where something happens and we would just roll our eyes at each other and know that we were thinking exactly the same thing! (though at times Jen and I do the same thing:))  I miss that closeness, knowing that we know each other better than anyone else.  There are times when I get frustrated and yell or cry and then I hear would hear what Glenn would say, I know that he would say things like , "ok enough already stop it thats not going to solve anything", "or you know what to do, just do it" or "get on your knees and talk to your father that is where you will find all of the answers:  and I know he was right and still is, but sometimes it just isn't that easy.  Though I am going to speak with my heavenly father more and more mainly because I have tried everything else first.  You would think I would learn wouldn't you?  Man I am going to live forever, cause I have to learn everything the hard way...:(

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Need a new name for "widow"

     Went to the Widow Support Group last week, I had a good experience.  I seriously expected it to me Mandy and I and a bunch of grandma's (which would have been fine) but that was not the case.  It is amazing to look in the eyes of a complete stranger and see such empathy and understanding-I hurt inside for someone besides myself, which is good I think.  I walked away feeling very fortunate in so many ways.  Yes, I am what they call a "widow", but my husband wanted to be here he just could not be.  His death was not violent or misunderstood, it was actually a very peaceful and beautiful thing.  Closing of one door and the opening of another.  He loved me and my children and I know he is watching me make every mistake I can from the other side :)...but I am trying, and I am learning from my mistakes and trying to do better each day.  I want to live my life in a way that I can be proud and have no regrets.
     I am thinking about working with Hospice, they are such amazing people, and I feel like I have a lot to offer to someone who is going through the same things we did.  I want to give back for all those who gave to us.
     NOTE:  Everyone talks of things that will be difficult i.e. Holidays, Anniversaries etc.  but I thought that really wouldn't be much of a problem for me because Glenn has not been able to be a part of our celebrations for so long.  The hard things have been times when I want him there beside me sharing our life, the good and the bad.  Well I was really wrong, I went to Tai Pan and they were playing Christmas music and I took me about 5 min. to realize that was why I was nauseated, I was physically sick and I hadn't even thought about Christmas- it is CRAZY the emotional cues your body takes, I am so not in control of any of that at this point.