Monday, February 28, 2011

Wow it's been a long time...

I know it has been forever since I posted, sometimes it is easier to pretend nothing is wrong.. but things are beginning to get back to normal, whatever that is.  Tomorrow would have been our 21st wedding anniversary.  It's a bitter sweet memory still, I hope someday the thought of it won't make me cry.  The life I shared with Glenn seems so long ago..like another lifetime now.  I guess because I have been forced to move forward with my life as much as I am able, for me for the boys...it is easier for me to think of those 20 years as in a box, all wrapped up and my life as a new box I am filling with different things.  I open the box when I need or want to and look at it, think about it and analyize it, then put it up on the shelf away to think about another day..that is the only way I can deal.  I talk about him, and think about him but not for too long, when I feel the emotions in my throat I have to stop, most of the time anyway.  I don't go to the grave much any more, I don't feel him there anymore.  I have to write about an experience I had to help anyone who is going through what I am to understand a little better what changed me, what made my life one I could cope with...

     It was around Thanksgiving and I was having a really bad night, I felt so alone, frustrated, hopeless.  I have never cried as hard or as long as I did that night.  The pain was almost unbearable.  I spent some time talking with Jena about it and we laughed and cried together for a long time, then I finally went to sleep.  when I woke up it was like a cloud had been lifted from my life, I cannot really explain it.  All at once all of these thoughts came into my head all at once...I know without a doubt that Glenn was communicating with me.  He told me that I was keeping him from his work, my grief was holding him here, he couldn't move forward.  He also told me that he hated me being here alone, he wants me to remarry (now anyone that knew Glenn, knows that was not what he would have wanted in life, but he has changed) he does not want me and the boys with out a man in the house, what man?? I have no idea:).. anyhow, I know he loves us and misses us but he has now moved on, I very rarely feel him..Its crazy I didn't know I was feeling his spirit until it was gone, but it is a happy feeling that he has moved on.  He is happy and healthy and progressing as he should be.  everything that happened was as it should be...this was the plan for his life, and for ours.  Hard to believe some days, but it is I am certain of it.
     Do I still have difficult time, yes all of the time...but I no longer wonder about decisions Glenn and I made at the end, if they were wrong or right...they did not affect the outcome, what happened, was as it would have been no matter what we did.  I think of him laughing and joking and being "Glenn" now, not so much of him lying in that horrible bed, suffering day after day ..I still think of the way he looked after he was gone, how he felt, the last hour of his life..the smells the sounds....those memories are taking longer to fade- but I hope with time they will.  That is not how he should be remembered.
     Now I see him in my boys every day, in the way they move the way they look, the way they shoot a basketball.  Its crazy.  He would be so touched by the wonderful things that people tell us, the memories shared , and the fact that so many loved and cared for him, he would be so touched by all of it.  The fact that Samantha and Andrew named their son after him would have made him cry...the fact that Mallory likes to be called Sallory and it always makes her smile...all the boys that he coached approach us and tell us how much they miss and loved him.. I hope he is seeing all of this.   He loved the people in his life without holding back and was always there to tease them, love them and kick their butt.  We all miss you Glenny... RIP

3 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you posted. It HAS been a long time! Sometime we'll go to luch, really we will. My life is chaos at the moment with some remodeling (yay) and work and kids doing a gazillion things. I keep looking for that open afternoon and it hasn't come yet, but I haven't forgotten. I hope you haven't forgotten either. I think of you a lot. I am so happy for you and for the cloud that has lifted, although I know it still isn't easy. My cloud has lifted somewhat, too, although that might mean different things for me than it does for you. All I know is that it feels good to be able to look forward to the future, even feel the butterflies again about having something to look forward to at all...I never imagined I would feel that again. Anyway, it will be good to chat sometime. I'll let you know when I find that free afternoon and see if you can pull it off, too! Love ya! Mandy

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  2. Chris your experience is almost identical the my experience after my Mother died, I could even smell "her" perfume. I had gone to bed with a migraine and it was the same thing. I know she had been there. The things she told me were almost word for word to what Glen told you. She told me to move on and enjoy my life again and especially my family. Do you think your Grandma was feeding him the right words? Hey, I love you, and ask about you constantly. I hesitate calling because I know your life is so crazy. Keep in touch in your "spare time", remember that? Take care!

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  3. I am soooo glad you posted, I watch for you numerous times a week. We worry about you and don't really even know you. Maybe Glenn sent us to watch over you to listen to you and let you know that you are loved. I am so relieved you are doing better. Take care and POST more often. LOL
    Hugs,
    Vicki R
    sunraesban@yahoo.com

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