Monday, November 8, 2010

Clueless

This weather is killing me...the rain the cold yuck!  I hate it- I could so move to a hot climate and stay, if everyone I love wasn't here...it also brings back memories of this time of year last year, I try not to let it but it does anyway.  I cannot believe Glenn has been gone over 5 months, where does the time go?  The first 3 months or so I really don't remember much at all, still in shock I guess.
      How have I made it this long alone?  I'll never know. Glenn and I spent so much time talking about what would be done when he was gone that I don't think I really had time to think much about being alone.  I mean, I am very independent- I know this because it caused many fights in our marriage :). I remember wishing I had met Glenn later in life because I did not want to get married young, I just didn't, but when you know you know.    I never thought I would be bothered by being alone, cause hey I am not alone right?  I have my boys, my work my friends... well it isn't the same .  It's not so much the being alone as it is the not having that person you talk to about everything, the one you call when you hear something funny or shocking, the one that you check on when you hear of something bad happening...the one you want to see the new movie with or get a "very" honest opinion from.  I miss having that person and also miss being that person for someone else.  I think that is what being alone is, not so much the physical part, but the emotional.  WOW so many things since Glenn got sick have been so unexpected and random.  You think you know just how you will feel, or how you will handle things but you haven't a clue...I guess that's me right now, clueless...at best.

3 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry Christen. I can totally relate to this. Not just the weather, but I'm so independent too, always have been, & it caused fights for us, too! :) "Ditto" to all of the above. It's awful to be so lonely while surrounded by so many people! FYI I really admire you. In the short time I've known you I've pegged you as smart, gutsy, great sense of humor, beautiful, and brave. Hang on!

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  2. How are you doing? Haven't had an update recently so I thought I would check in on you guys. Hope that your doing well.
    Hugs,
    VickiR
    sunraesban@yahoo.com

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  3. Hey Christen,
    I just read through all your blogs and they just tore me up. I know I don't relate to what you are going through in the same way because it was my mom I lost, but I do understand the pain, the emptiness and that ache that goes to your soul. I am sorry for your pain. I know that Glenn is watching over you, and it pains him to see you in such pain. It is probably so hard for them to watch us from beyond the veil and not be able to comfort us. I don't know what you believe, but I know for me, that after my mom died, she contacted me constantly in dreams that were as real as real life. She would also do things like tickle my back or the lights would go crazy, going out and then slowly going back on. All kinds of crazy things that I couldn't explain. It started happening to other family members too. Have you had anything like that happen to you? I know it's a common thing for people to experience things like that. I think they are reaching out and that is how they try to comfort us when we need it most. I hope that you are experiencing something like that, or that if you aren't, maybe you are just missing the signs he is leaving. You will think I am crazy, but after mom died, she started leaving me dimes everywhere. I would find them on top of my car in a V formation and my car was in the garage and I lived alone. I would go to the bathroom and come back and there would be a dime on my pillow. Then I started finding quarters and pennies everywhere. I would have them just drop out of no where right in front of me. I called it "mommy money" and I put it in this big milk can I had. I filled that thing up with all the money that appeared to me. I looked it up on the internet on Google and apparently there are many people out there that have the exact same experience. Look for those signs. They may be there and they are meant to bring you comfort. I need to come and see you and bring you the books I bought for you. I bought another copy of the book I sent that you never got and I really think they will help you. Take care, Love ya, Lisa

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