Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Rebirth

     Seems like forever since I have posted, almost three months...wow!!  A lot can change in three months.  As I approach the anniversary of Glenn's passing I am really amazed at what going through this has taught me about myself.  So much I didn't know.  Like:
 
*I like watching sports even when Glenn isn't there
*It is ok to cry, it does not make you weak, it means your strong enough to be vornuable
*People need to see you have an emotional side
*Sharing my pain can help others in their healing process
*I like being married and sharing my life with someone
*Family is family and friends are family- you pick your family
*Nobody reacts the way you think they will to anything most of the time
*Its ok if your house is messy sometimes
*EVERYTHING happens for a reason EVERYTHING
*It's ok to let go
*What gives comfort to one will not always comfort another
*Laughing is the #1 most important thing to do every day
*Tell people how you feel, don't wait.  The good and the bad.
*Some things are not worth getting angry over, but some are...
*You can think you know who you are and just one event can make you realize that you don't.
*Trying new things is fun and freeing.
*I am not as strong as I thought I was, but I am strong.
* You don't always have to be ok
*ALWAYS be there for the ones you love, even when it is hard.



   There are a few things I know for sure, Glenn is happier now than he ever was in life.  He had a tormented soul much of the time for whatever reason and now he does not...  When I think of him he is always smiling and laughing, he is finally free of the things that haunted him.
      He wants me and the boys to do the same.  He wants us to be happy and move forward, which we are slowly doing.  I think because I realized that Glenn was dying a long time before the boys did I did much of my grieving WiTH Glenn, and it has helped me a lot, they still have a ways to go.  He was their father, its a bit different for them.  I still cry, I still hurt.
      I still cannot get the images out of my head from the last couple of months, but I am trying. Finding him on the floor, giving him shots, all the doctors visits and the painful tests over and over again, helping him do the most basic things that we all take for granted, seeing him change from a strong man to a shadow of who he was,  being afraid to leave him when he ate for fear he would choke, feeding him like a child and seeing in his eyes how much he hated me to see him like that, listening to him breathe at night for hours.  The very moment I realized he wasn't going to wake up ever again, looking at him just after he passed and knowing he was gone, really gone.  
      I am trying to replace them with different pictures.  Like the day the boys were born, or watching him coach, long talks with the boys, seeing him belly laugh with Ian like he ALWAYS did, watching him riding that stupid Harley with the perma grin on his face, or watching him with babies, he LOVED little babies!  Or the way he always came to the rescue for friends, family and even strangers...  
     Glenn struggled with many things in his life, but he had many amazing qualities and those are the ones I will choose to remember, those are the ones I hope my boys will take as their own and create their own legacy.
     Thank you Glenn for sharing my life for 20 years- Rest in peace and know that your boys will make you proud.

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