Saturday, March 24, 2012

Hoping blogging again will be my therapy...

It has been so long since I have even looked at my blog.. amazing how much things can change in such a short amount of time..However one thing that hasn't.. it is still difficult.  Long story short, I am now engaged to the most wonderful man.  I cannot wait to be his wife.. he makes me laugh every day and has filled my life with more joy than I ever thought possible.  However- being a widow is still difficult.  No matter how much happiness you have in your life- it does not erase the sadness from the past.  It is still there lingering to jump out and bite you from time to time.  I think the hardest part for me is my boys.  I don't know what it is like for them being so young and losing their dad.. It hurts to watch them hurt..  It sounds awful, but .. I mean I will have a new husband... they will never have a new father.. but I am so thankful for Chad he is wonderful with them and I couldn't ask for a better example of how to be a good man... and for that I am forever grateful... I took Chandler to the cemetery a few weeks ago for the first time in over a year- it was so hard to look at him standing there.. I think he has grown a foot since Glenn died, he is almost a man.  He has questions and wants to know what his dad would say... nobody should have to go and talk to a cold stone when they need to talk to their father.  Even thinking about losing my own father makes me sick to my stomach.  I just hope I call fill the voids as much as possible for them.  I am sure with Chads help, we can as much as would ever be possible.  Spencer is is lost right now.. I try so hard to do all I can to guide him, but he is so much like his dad and will have to find his own way I am afraid.. so hard headed!!! Damn Nicholas genes.. :)  but I will always be there for them, no matter what or how difficult it is.  Parker is adjusting well, he is very attached to Chad and gets very jealous easily.. his dad was always sick and he enjoys spending time doing things with Chad that Glenn couldn't do. It may be hard for anyone to understand- but I know without a doubt Glenn is thankful Parker and all of the rest of us have Chad to take care of us... Parker is very affectionate and happy.  Since Glenns death I have changed my opinion on so many things,  I almost feel like I have this higher understanding of life that many don't have.  I have found a happiness and an acceptance from the Lord I never felt before.  Sorry to be the one to bring the news to those of you that don't get it.. but life is not black and white, right and wrong all the time.  We are all different because of our experiences.. . just hope and pray you don't have to go through something tragic to figure it out- but it may be the only way.  If that is true then I am thankful for every tear.. it has made me who I am.

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