Tuesday, September 21, 2010

I've fallen and I can't get up!!!

I had a major set back on Friday- and I didn't even see it coming.  I went to an Eagle Scout program for my adorable nephew.  It was great they even had a real bald eagle!  But the part in the program where he put pins on his mom and dad, I was trying to get a good shot of it and it just hit me like a ton of bricks..my kids dad was gone.  They would never have another moment like this with their dad.  It just stabbed me in the heart!  Jeff reminds me so much of Glenn, so that didn't help.  I got out of there as quick as I could, cause I didn't want to be the crazy lady in the back bawling her eyes out!  I don't know how I even got home because I couldn't see cause I was crying so hard...that was pretty much how the weekend went.  But I feel angry, so angry for all of the things we won't have, I know I should be thankful for what we did have and I am- but it doesn't numb the pain of the loss.  It doesn't fill the hole in my soul, or my heart.I couldn't even  get out of my bed most of the weekend.  I went to the Symphony with a friend on Saturday and that was nice, but I am just going through the motions of life.  No passion, no excitement for anything no matter what it is.  And this is nothing like me- I get crazy excited about going to an office supply store or a shoe sale, but for now I feel nothing.  I know someday this will change,. but right now I don't know how it ever could.  I feel worse instead of better each day, my Dr. gave me some medication to help me so hopefully it will help me to function but I hate to have to do that cause it makes me feel weak.  But I know I cannot live under the covers forever, so I had to do something.

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