Bloodshed

     Well I told my new friend Mandy I would go to a Widow Support Group tonight- we are both apprehensive about the whole thing, but one visit cannot hurt I guess.  I always thought I would be a horrible counselor because I would just want to tell them to 'put on their big girl panties" and get over it...well needless to say I am not that person anymore.  Hopefully I wont be told that myself-  Cause I am sure there would be blood shed :)  It's not that I am not sympathatic because I am, I have just always hated crying because it made me feel like I was weak.  It does not bother me when others cry, I guess I am only that hard on myself...gee thats not dysfunctional at all!!!   Well I am sure I will blog when I get home...

Rescue

     It's been a tough week I cannot lie abut that, but it was not without it's positive points.  I have a few people that visit me on a regular basis and one of them is Glenn's bishop from his childhood (Larry Smith)- what an amazing man!  His words are so calming to me and I really look forward to his visits.  This week he brought me a book and a CD to take a loo it.  The book is "Faith Precedes the Miracle"  by Spencer Kimball- it is an old book but I just love it so far.  He also brought me a CD called "What's on the Other Side" by Brent Top.  This had many insights that I just hadn't considered before.  When Glenn was dying we spoke about what it would be like for him on the other side, but I think now I am so over wrought with grief all I can think about is his death.  It makes me feel better to think of how happy and whole he must be after being sick for so very long.
      I was in a meeting in the building where Glenn worked for quite awhile and many folks came to talk to me and say how much he was missed and loved.  I was honored by this, it would have made him so happy.  I  felt ok and then all of the sudden open the floodgates!  But  I left the meeting and was able to gain my composure fairly quickly, I hate that worse than anything cause once the little snowball starts to roll, it quickly can become an avalanche!
     I have been dealing with a lot of bitterness in my home lately with my boys, which I understand because I feel like I am pretty angry these days also.  My brother in law Jeff shared a talk with me form the 2009 Conference by Elder Oaks called "Love and Law"  it's excellent! Thanks again Jeffrey D for putting it all in perspective for me.:)

     I am sharing a few of Spencer's photo class pix- he has a great eye!

I've fallen and I can't get up!!!

I had a major set back on Friday- and I didn't even see it coming.  I went to an Eagle Scout program for my adorable nephew.  It was great they even had a real bald eagle!  But the part in the program where he put pins on his mom and dad, I was trying to get a good shot of it and it just hit me like a ton of bricks..my kids dad was gone.  They would never have another moment like this with their dad.  It just stabbed me in the heart!  Jeff reminds me so much of Glenn, so that didn't help.  I got out of there as quick as I could, cause I didn't want to be the crazy lady in the back bawling her eyes out!  I don't know how I even got home because I couldn't see cause I was crying so hard...that was pretty much how the weekend went.  But I feel angry, so angry for all of the things we won't have, I know I should be thankful for what we did have and I am- but it doesn't numb the pain of the loss.  It doesn't fill the hole in my soul, or my heart.I couldn't even  get out of my bed most of the weekend.  I went to the Symphony with a friend on Saturday and that was nice, but I am just going through the motions of life.  No passion, no excitement for anything no matter what it is.  And this is nothing like me- I get crazy excited about going to an office supply store or a shoe sale, but for now I feel nothing.  I know someday this will change,. but right now I don't know how it ever could.  I feel worse instead of better each day, my Dr. gave me some medication to help me so hopefully it will help me to function but I hate to have to do that cause it makes me feel weak.  But I know I cannot live under the covers forever, so I had to do something.

The men in my life.

     Been a difficult week- my boys are really struggling, mostly the older two.  How can I tell them it will be ok, when I don't even know for sure?  I mean I am sure someday it will not be so raw, but for now I cannot imagine it.
     It's funny, each of my kids has kind of attached themselves to a father figure , they always have my dad of course, but he is my rock :).   I know that my brother in law Ted really reminds Spencer of his dad and couldn't be a better example of what Spencer should strive for in his life.  Ted is an amazing man.  Plus Ted has the patience not to strangle him..:).
     Chandler has started to spend a lot of time with my little brother Danny.  Which makes sence because Chandler has always reminded me of Danny, they even share their birthday.  Danny makes him laugh and he really needs that.  Danny is the sweetest guy I know and a wonderful example to him.
     I'm not sure when it happened, but Parker adores Glenns' older brother Jeff.  He loves to spend time with him and actually hugs him, which for Parker is big. There is nobody on this earth that reminds me more of Glenn than him.  He is a spiritual rock and always seems to know what to say to make things seem like they are going to be ok.  He is always there when we need him.
     Thank you so much you three for your constant love , support and amazing example to my children and to me...

Reality bites...

Wedding went wonderful, very beautiful, cute happy couple.   Justin and Sunnie, cherish every moment of your lives together the good and the difficult, it is all a part of your wonderful journey...

 Went back to work last week, went to Anaheim for a week it was difficult be a lot of fun also.  Had a few hard moments, so many people I work with also worked with Glenn so lots of "Glenn Talk" but it was good to hear so many nice stories.  My friends at work are amazing and so supportive- I am very lucky.
   As for returning to my workplace on Monday- it was much more difficult than I had anticipated.  I was there about 10 min and my desk phone rang and I instantly looked at my caller id (like I used to do) to see if it was Glenn, in case it was an emergency, and that was all it took.  Between that and my stupid picture frame with the changing pix- you could stick a fork in my cause I was done!!!  I lasted about 4 hours, then went to see my Dr., I knew I needed something to take the edge of so I could work.  They couldn't believe I had gone as long as I had without anything. I guess I just felt like if I was numb, it would prolong my healing- but now I know that I will always have this tender scar, no healing, just not as raw someday I guess.  Like I had said before, not getting over, just getting through the pain.  The meds help and I don't feel loopy or anything so that is good, just not so fragile I guess.
     I  attempted to clean out my closet last night.  I am not getting rid of any of Glenns things, jut putting them somewhere else.  A lot of things my boys will take I am sure, they have already started to do that.  It was just difficult because it brought back so many memories.  I am making a quilt from some of his t shirts, so that made it a bit easier to go through things- bitter sweet is a good explanation I think.  It reminded me of when he designed the closet to hold "all of my stupid shoes".. he worked so hard on that and still I have too many shoes..:)

Trying to move forward...somewhat

     Jen and MaKayla are now here from Texas- it has been a lot of fun having them here...I forgot how much Jen and I laugh when we are together!  We are going to my sweet nephews wedding at Bear Lake tomorrow and I will be taking the pix.  I am a bit apprehensive about how I will feel, I haven't seen many of these folks since the funeral- but I am excited to see them too.  Then on Sunday I leave for California for a week long leadership conference for work- I am looking forward to spending time with my friends and relaxing a bit, there is something to be said for only being responsible for myself for a day or two.  My parents live right by me so they help me out with the boys while I am gone- I think they could use a break from me too.  I work with the most supportive and loving group of people, a bit like a second family.  (You know even with the crazies you still make it work!)
     One of my former employees passed away on Monday- wow it was a lot harder than I had anticipated.  She had MS and was actually the person that convinced us to try another Neuro Doc (hers) after so many bad ones-Dr James was the doc that finally was able to diagnose Glenn.  She called me after Glenn died to offer her sympathy, I did not know she had become so sick.  She retired from work about a year ago she was only 32.  You just never know where your path will lead, so much of what we endure is unavoidable. My prayers are with her loved ones- she always could make me laugh.  I wanted to go to the viewing but my counselor said I am no where near ready for that and that it is too soon.  Not sure when I will ever be ready for another funeral.

Ready ???

Well went to a work function for the first time since Glenns death and I think I did ok, I did however notice a few changes in me.  First I have a very difficult time having a conversation involving more than one or two people, which is nothing like me.  I am hoping I get past this, I just get overwhelmed and shut down.  I also find my self observing rather than participating, which is not like me.   I catch myself making jokes and trying to make others feel comfortable because I know they do not know what to say, or say nothing.  I can tell you this, it is always better to say something than nothing.  I was always one of those people that said something stupid and put my foot in my mouth in emotional situations.  "I am sorry for your loss" is just fine :).  Please do not tell me Glenn is happy now or in a better place, I know all of that but it really doesn't make me feel any better. Oh yes and PLEASE do not mention me getting married again, because that does NOT make me feel better it makes me want to throw up! :)  too soon people way too soon...if ever.  I cried most of the way home.  I think because it will be difficult to go back to normal life with out Glenn, there will be a noticeable hole in our family routine that cannot be filled.  Alas, it is time to get back to doing all of the normal things no matter how hard it will be.  I have missed my work though and hope it will not take me too long to get back into the swing of things.
   My wonderful brother David is still painting and doing repairs in my house..he is a godsend!  So much has been left undone because of Glenns illness, that much is needed to be done and he is doing a beautiful job!  My family has been so great to step in WHENEVER needed.  We are truly blessed..:)